She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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