paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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