I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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