Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
