I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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