i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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