Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
