Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
