Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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