Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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