Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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