I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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