I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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