Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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