even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
