Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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