found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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