Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
