This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
