Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
