Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Randomize
