Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
