Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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