my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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