my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
