Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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