he was CRYING into my vagina
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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