The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
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I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
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Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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