I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
