i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
