I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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