Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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