Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
