either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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