marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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