I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
