i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
