I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
