it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
