I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
