chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
My apartment stinks of burning failure
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
