i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Drake has all the answers
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
