I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
And then he peed in my hair
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