I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
