I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
