My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
