You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just found a bag of teeth...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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