i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Even my vagina gasped.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize