I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
