Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
