your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
