They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
