I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
