someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
