A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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