forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
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i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
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Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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